These agreements are rooted in self-awareness, compassion, and respect and, when practiced consistently, can provide a foundation for strong and healthy relationships.

Do you want to feel seen, heard, and valued in your relationships? Do you want to be a part of something special and have your needs and wants considered? Then it’s time to make your relationships healthier, more stable, and more satisfying with the 5 Relational Agreements.

The 5 Relational Agreements are:

  1. I will accept what is.
  2. I will speak gently.
  3. I will pause when overwhelmed.
  4. I will make requests, not demands.
  5. I will hold my thoughts lightly.

These agreements are rooted in self-awareness, compassion, and respect and, when practiced consistently, can provide a foundation for strong and healthy relationships.

Agreement 1: I Will Accept What Is

The first and foremost step towards healthy relationships is accepting reality for what it is. We can’t change the past or control the future, but we can control our own thoughts, feelings, and actions in the present moment. Trying to change others or control outcomes only leads to drama and disappointment. Instead, we need to accept what is and focus on taking care of ourselves and others in a respectful and supportive manner. This doesn’t mean that we have to like the reality, but we have to acknowledge it and work with it so we can begin to change it.

Agreement 2: I Will Speak Gently

In relationships, it’s easy to get caught up in drama and start attacking, accusing, raging, and retaliating. But this only leads to more hurt and damage. We need to learn how to communicate in a gentle and respectful manner, in a way that is non-threatening and non-judgmental. This means asking for what we want instead of demanding it and listening to others in an empathetic and understanding way. By speaking gently, we create a safe space for open and honest communication and build trust in our relationships.

Agreement 3: I Will Pause When Overwhelmed

In any relationship, there will be moments when things get heated and we start to feel overwhelmed. It’s important to take a step back and take a time-out. This doesn’t mean giving up on the relationship, but it means taking care of ourselves and our well-being. By pausing when overwhelmed, we give ourselves time to calm down and think things through. When we’re ready, we can come back to the conversation with a clear head and a more constructive approach. This helps to create a more stable and healthy relationship.

Agreement 4: I Will Make Requests, Not Demands

In relationships, there will be times when we have needs or preferences that we want to express. Instead of making demands, it’s important to make requests. Demands are often aggressive and come across as ultimatums, while requests are more gentle and open to negotiation. When we make requests, we express our needs and preferences in a way that is respectful and considerate of our partner. And when we listen to our partner’s requests in return, we can work together to create a relationship that is fulfilling for both of us.

Agreement 5: I Will Hold My Thoughts Lightly

It’s easy to get caught up in our own thoughts and beliefs and judge others based on them. But this creates a divide between us and others and misses out on the opportunity for true connection. Instead, it’s important to hold our thoughts lightly and approach others with compassion and understanding. This means questioning our assumptions and being open to hearing others’ perspectives. By holding thoughts lightly, we create a relationship based on mutual respect and understanding.

The 5 Relational Agreements are a powerful tool for creating and maintaining strong and fulfilling relationships. They are rooted in self-awareness, compassion, and respect and, when practiced consistently, they can provide a foundation of safety and trust. By accepting what is, speaking gently, pausing when overwhelmed, making requests instead of demands, and holding our thoughts lightly, we can learn to navigate the complexities of human interaction with compassion, self-awareness, and respect. These agreements are not a magic bullet or a one-size-fits-all solution, but when practiced consistently, they can help you build strong and healthy relationships that are more stable and satisfying. So, make the 5 Relational Agreements a part of your relationships today and experience the positive change they can bring to your life.

Download the 5 Relational Agreements Workbook for Couples.

Learn more about attending a private intensive to improve your relationship.


author avatar
Brent Peak Licensed Professional Counselor
Brent Peak, Licensed Professional Counselor and Trauma Recovery Specialist, is the owner of North Valley Therapy Services in Phoenix, Arizona. With a profound commitment to healing childhood trauma and aiding couples in severe crises, Brent has extensive experience and a unique ability to address trauma, poor self-esteem, and interpersonal challenges with empathy and effectiveness. Trained by Pia Mellody and endorsed by her for his work in Post Induction Therapy, Brent is not just a therapist but a trusted guide, offering hope and transformative change to those who have often felt let down by traditional therapy paths.
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